Treading Water

So much for the deep thinking. Seems I have come across as whiney and bitter. Not true, but there you go. You think that you have created something that would allow the reader to bring up ways that would be helpful not only to you, but cathartic for the reader, also. Instead, you get told to basically get over it, that if you were any sort of person, you would be able to do something about it. Yeah, as though it's that simple,

Another friend asked me why I was sad. I honestly wasn't when I wrote the previous post, but after the conversations I had, and the good cry during and afterward, I replied to her thusly:

"It's nothing, really. I am tired--so tired of everything. I am also incredibly stupid sometimes, even though I know better. It's too hard to explain this way. I love my job, but I don't want to do it right now. I want to quit and concentrate on the rest of this semester and my last semseter at school. But I can't. I want to find someone--a helpmeet--someone who I can depend on to take some of the pressure of the hard stuff off of me. I am tired of being everything to everybody except what I want to be, without someone there to be everything to me. I have lots of friends, but I am lonely. Meeting new people is hard; those that I would like to be with I am nervous around, and while I can usually pony up and do it, I come across as too much of something--negative, maybe?--when I am not.

"I am pretty sure it's just all the stress from the end of the semester and work.

"I wish I could afford to just run away. I wish I could win the lottery--not because I want a lot of money or be lazy, I just want to have enough to do research if I want, to go out to more than a movie four times a year, to go see things that I have always wanted to see without having other people's responsibilities foisted upon me.

"Like I said--difficult to explain. And I know it's not much compared to what you have been through, but it's like I have lost a part of myself that I don't know how to get back."

I don't want to seem as though I am ungrateful for all my friends. I don't want to appear as though I don't appreciate all the things that others have done for me. But being appreciated is something I would like, too. But again, that's my fault, too--right?

I have made some horrible, terrible mistakes in my life that I have had to overcome. I have lived through things that some people have nightmares about. I have stayed strong through the roughest times that nearly ended my sanity as well as my life and that of my child. Forgive me if I am a little "whiney" or bitter or sad every so often. Forgive me if I want to get away from the things that remind me of what I might possibly never have, or had that I let go. Forgive me if I get tired of looking beyond the facade--when I have to do that every second of the day and no one looks closely enough at me to see beyond mine. Forgive me for not wanting to be the doormat anymore. And forgive me for not knowing how to keep from being one.

Drowning in the Abyss of My Own Creation

It has been quite a while since I last wrote anything that did not have to do with school. A couple of months now. And I don't know that I really have the stamina or the will to write anything too long. I have very long papers due in a couple of weeks, and I have yet to get started on either of them. The thing is, I don't really care too much. I like the professors I have, and I like a few of the books I have "read" for the classes, but I can't bring myself to like either America During the World Wars or Eighteenth Century Europe. I mean, if it were studies of the Great Depression, the social histories during the world wars, or anything about Europe other than the Enlightenment and its effect, I would probably be fine. But I just don't care! I love Twentieth Century Europe and everything from the Middle Ages to the end of the Reformation, but anything in between or detailed issues of America, I just want to sleep.

However, that's not really my problem. A question, dear reader(s)...what do you do with a melancholy mood, when you know why you feel that way, but don't know what to do about it because there is nothing you can do? What do you do when you feel bad because of someone else, but you know better because that someone else doesn't even know that you feel bad or what he/she did to make you feel that way, nor do you quite know. What do you do when you feel a little depressed for no apparant reason, and can't really explain it, because the person that you would speak to about it is the reason you are feeling that way, and it would be weird to say anything for all the reasons stated above?

Just something to think about. Sorry for the strange topic, it's just been kind of odd today.

On a lighter note, I should be updating my blog soon with exhortations for writing papers, hysterical ranting for when the writing of papers begins to get to me (especially if I lose 6 hours of work like I did last semester because the computer eats it), and with support for my fellow students who do not work as quickly as I do (you know who you are).

Hopefully, next time, I will be swimming instead of drowning in the abyss...