Wow. It has been a long time. I do not understand how it is that I can go for so long without writing down my thoughts. So much happens in the blink of an eye that I should be writing, but laziness wins out every time. I make excuses as to what I need to be doing versus what I want to be doing, and many times what I need to do is not something that I really do need to do...I'm sure that we have all had that issue. Real life sometimes bites us in the butt and our perceptions of what's important are skewed.

That explains all you need to know about why I have not updated my blog in a long while. And looking back at some of the things I wrote back when, I question why anyone would want to read it! Most of those posts were written at a time I was deeply unhappy--unhappy with life, unhappy with everything.

Since then things have changed. Imagine how much difference eight months can bring! I have lost a tremendous amount of weight (I don't mind telling you that I lost it pretty quickly, but I do not know how I could have not lost it the way I did), I reconnected with someone who I consider the man of my dreams (which he also realized not too long ago and has since agreed), I graduated with a Master's degree in history, and was accepted to the Museum Studies program through John's Hopkins. Can you say that there is something going right?

My boyfriend would say that all these blessings are God's work. Many of you may know that I consider myself a deist (for those of you who don't know what deism is, Wikipedia has a pretty good definition; although I don't normally allow that Wikipedia is a good source for much, it is good to use as a starting point--http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deism). So while I do think that I must have done something right at some point, I don't know that it is God or Jesus working on my behalf. I guess I'm trying to start an intellectual discussion on religion. What do you believe and why do you believe the way you do? What does faith mean to you? How long have you believed this way, and at what point did you think that this belief was true for you? I'm fascinated by belief structures and would really like your input.

Now, on to something else. I've decided that I am going to use my blog as a creative writing medium--a way of expressing myself through little short stories. Maybe a couple of poems. Things like that. I think that I will also post reviews of books that I have read, maybe movies (although they will be older movies, with maybe the exceptions being Harry Potter and The Last Airbender), and I'll probably post thought-provoking questions, such as the one above.

At this moment I am reading Stephen King's On Writing. It's not actually my book; my boyfriend mailed it to me--he recommended it for a while and I hem-hawed around about getting it (I think he got tired of telling me about it and just got frustrated enough to send it). It's a fascinating book. King has two sections, with several small chapters in each. The first is a list of memories that he has about growing up. The second is his advice about writing, his experiences in writing, his preferences when reading, and tidbits of what and what not to do when writing (or, as he puts it: "Please, oh, please do not..."). The best thing about this book, however, is that it leaves itself open for interpretation. It allows the would-be writer leeway in the creative process. Whether his techniques work for another writer as well as King, it makes no difference. The story, according to King, is the entire point, and not the little ins and outs of grammar.

That's enough for now, I think. I want to finish On Writing so I can begin writing myself. Thanks for reading, and I hope this lives up to the expectations!

Treading Water

So much for the deep thinking. Seems I have come across as whiney and bitter. Not true, but there you go. You think that you have created something that would allow the reader to bring up ways that would be helpful not only to you, but cathartic for the reader, also. Instead, you get told to basically get over it, that if you were any sort of person, you would be able to do something about it. Yeah, as though it's that simple,

Another friend asked me why I was sad. I honestly wasn't when I wrote the previous post, but after the conversations I had, and the good cry during and afterward, I replied to her thusly:

"It's nothing, really. I am tired--so tired of everything. I am also incredibly stupid sometimes, even though I know better. It's too hard to explain this way. I love my job, but I don't want to do it right now. I want to quit and concentrate on the rest of this semester and my last semseter at school. But I can't. I want to find someone--a helpmeet--someone who I can depend on to take some of the pressure of the hard stuff off of me. I am tired of being everything to everybody except what I want to be, without someone there to be everything to me. I have lots of friends, but I am lonely. Meeting new people is hard; those that I would like to be with I am nervous around, and while I can usually pony up and do it, I come across as too much of something--negative, maybe?--when I am not.

"I am pretty sure it's just all the stress from the end of the semester and work.

"I wish I could afford to just run away. I wish I could win the lottery--not because I want a lot of money or be lazy, I just want to have enough to do research if I want, to go out to more than a movie four times a year, to go see things that I have always wanted to see without having other people's responsibilities foisted upon me.

"Like I said--difficult to explain. And I know it's not much compared to what you have been through, but it's like I have lost a part of myself that I don't know how to get back."

I don't want to seem as though I am ungrateful for all my friends. I don't want to appear as though I don't appreciate all the things that others have done for me. But being appreciated is something I would like, too. But again, that's my fault, too--right?

I have made some horrible, terrible mistakes in my life that I have had to overcome. I have lived through things that some people have nightmares about. I have stayed strong through the roughest times that nearly ended my sanity as well as my life and that of my child. Forgive me if I am a little "whiney" or bitter or sad every so often. Forgive me if I want to get away from the things that remind me of what I might possibly never have, or had that I let go. Forgive me if I get tired of looking beyond the facade--when I have to do that every second of the day and no one looks closely enough at me to see beyond mine. Forgive me for not wanting to be the doormat anymore. And forgive me for not knowing how to keep from being one.

Drowning in the Abyss of My Own Creation

It has been quite a while since I last wrote anything that did not have to do with school. A couple of months now. And I don't know that I really have the stamina or the will to write anything too long. I have very long papers due in a couple of weeks, and I have yet to get started on either of them. The thing is, I don't really care too much. I like the professors I have, and I like a few of the books I have "read" for the classes, but I can't bring myself to like either America During the World Wars or Eighteenth Century Europe. I mean, if it were studies of the Great Depression, the social histories during the world wars, or anything about Europe other than the Enlightenment and its effect, I would probably be fine. But I just don't care! I love Twentieth Century Europe and everything from the Middle Ages to the end of the Reformation, but anything in between or detailed issues of America, I just want to sleep.

However, that's not really my problem. A question, dear reader(s)...what do you do with a melancholy mood, when you know why you feel that way, but don't know what to do about it because there is nothing you can do? What do you do when you feel bad because of someone else, but you know better because that someone else doesn't even know that you feel bad or what he/she did to make you feel that way, nor do you quite know. What do you do when you feel a little depressed for no apparant reason, and can't really explain it, because the person that you would speak to about it is the reason you are feeling that way, and it would be weird to say anything for all the reasons stated above?

Just something to think about. Sorry for the strange topic, it's just been kind of odd today.

On a lighter note, I should be updating my blog soon with exhortations for writing papers, hysterical ranting for when the writing of papers begins to get to me (especially if I lose 6 hours of work like I did last semester because the computer eats it), and with support for my fellow students who do not work as quickly as I do (you know who you are).

Hopefully, next time, I will be swimming instead of drowning in the abyss...

Questioning McCain's Actions

This was brought to my attention earlier, but the comments are the really interesting and insightful parts of this article. Y'all should read it.

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/thefix/2008/09/wag_the_blog_a_presidential_st.html

News-worthy Events in Longview!!!!!

Um. Ho-kayyy. *Snerk*

http://www.news-journal.com/news/content/news/stories/2008/09/08/09082008_Starbucks_wedding.html?cxtype=rss&cxsvc=7&cxcat=7

Anyone else find this amusing?